FriLife: Containg Best Friends

Now I don't mean to sound like I'm complaining here, by any means. I have a great life, but sometimes I feel down. (Yes I know, omg). Anyway I just supposed I share some of my feels with you all today (warning,  may get kind of deep haha. It is almost midnight here).

So throughout my entire life I've never felt like I've had that 'best friend'. I don't know why. Maybe a lot of people don't. I've no idea. But I've had friends (why am I talking in past tense? It's all good, I still have friends). And my friends are pretty great, I can't complain. But I remember as a kid when people were told to say they're best friend, I was never named and that's stayed with me for life. (Yay for great childhood memories!)

Via Weheartit

I've always been incredibly independent, to the point of incredible stubbornness (seriously when I was a child I'd spend five minutes per shoelace because I wouldn't let my mum tie them). To me, it's always been that if I need help, I do it myself. I'm generally too proud to ask for help in things that I can't do well, or I just don't have the energy to be embarrassed. I know I have people around me who I could rely on to help me, but I have this weird mindset that if I can't help myself, than what is anyone else going to be able to do?

And I think this way of thinking probably doesn't help me at all. But I seriously can't change it. So I suppose I just accept that fact about myself.

As a kid I was always a loner. Literally when we had free time, all the other girls would be playing hairdressers or dress up and I'd sit but this gigantic teddy bear and squished next to the old gas heater reading books. I remember when I finished my first book there and I remember looking up and seeing everyone doing there own thing and having their own fun, but what they were doing didn't interested me, and I didn't know how it interested them. I just knew I'd rather have a book for company (haha I was a nerd from the very start).

Via Weheartit

And I've never really changed that much since being a kid. And I suppose all of these factors have always made me feel, I don't know how to put it, that I'm in life I'm in it alone? Does that make sense? I've always never been able to see the friends around me properly (don't ask me how. Ugh brain...). I'll just look back a year later or something and think 'wow, I had great friends then. Why didn't I realsid it?' And so I've always felt alone. But most of the time this doesn't bother me, I'm generally pretty happy with how I'm going in life. Anyway, I know that I'm not great at being able to completely devote myself to a friendship (if I'm around someone too much, no matter who they are, I'll get sick of them - fact of life for me). 

I've been told by many lovable people that I barely manage to classify as a female so I suppose I'm working on a lot of things haha. 

However, there are days (like today) when I'm just not very good at handling the fact that I'm a pretty lonely person. And there's no particular reason for this days to come and there's no help in being down about it and basically it's completely useless because I know I'm not going to change. 

Via Weheartit

I don't really know what I'm trying to say. I suppose my point is (come on Caitlin come up with a point) we can't chose what we're going to be bad at? I suppose my conclusion is that I'm just bad at understanding people, and that's me. And other people at bad at other things, and that's the way they are. And we all get down about the randomest things. I know on days (that aren't today) I wouldn't have my life any other way.

Ahhh the confusing life of being 16! I know perks of being wallflower is really hipster and all (I don't care, it was amazing) but seriously I spend so much of my time feeling both happy and sad at the same time. Except with a whole other bunch of emotions blended in there. And I'm bad with emotions. Bad. And so I spend a lot of time in my day wondering what the hell is wrong with me. 

Anyway, I better get to sleep because otherwise I will be so tired for tomorrow. It's all good I get to sleep in! (YAAAYYY - sorry, extreme excitement) So that's one good thing for tomorrow already. Alright. Nighty night guys! XO